WANTED: Trade Marketing Assistant @ Macmillan Publishers

'This position will initially be based in Basingstoke, and will hopefully be transferred to a Macmillan London office location by the end of 2014.'

FHM Staff Writer

Dear FHM,

You were looking for a top wordsmith to join your ranks as Staff Writer – that hunt is over. Though I am officially qualified to do little else, it is routine for me to turn around copy that is on-brand, tone-perfect and brilliantly inventive. As an adrenaline junkie, I am clinically dependant upon very tight deadlines and I chemically thrive upon the pressure to come up with ideas regularly. My other addictions include a habitual use of grammar and a recreational use of Spell Check. As a result, I can guarantee that I am capable of producing a huge amount of readable material to deadline, leaving myself enough time to sleep, eat and wash. I also have a strong visual imagination and enjoy making lists. I will not do my research on Google. I will be getting out there, speaking to people, reporting from the front line, and doing proper journalism. I am also prepared to get in there, speak to animals, report from the rear, and do improper journalism (without falling foul of the Leveson Inquiry).

I am aware that the position that I am applying for is not a 9-5 job, that the hours will change week by week, that I will often be expected to work late evenings and weekends, and travel, often internationally. My body is primed for this schedule, as I have been waitressing since graduating, often from 7am until 1am the next day. My soul is also equipped since it can hardly be debased further. My CV demonstrates that I am comfortable making these physical and spiritual sacrifices for very little money. If necessary, I can be persuaded to travel internationally; under duress, I may even be convinced to voyage somewhere glamorous or exotic. I am currently in possession of several overnight bags, of various sizes, and I have also recently had a Hep B booster jab.

I will now cite evidence that I am a bona fide pop culture addict so that you will be more likely to employ me. Ahead of the herd, I have been dying my hair Lizzy-Grant-blonde since December 2001 (music). In January this year, Ashley Cole got into a taxi that I got out of (sport). I spent most of the Summer watching BBC3 because I could not afford to go on holiday (TV and film, and also economy). I have completed Tomb Raider Chronicles in seven days, without a walkthrough (gaming). In August 2011, I purchased my first genuine-first-quality-fake Shamballa bracelet two days before the remaining stock were airlifted to Gok Wan (fashion). In addition to these credentials, I believe that I embody the FHM brand values for I am myself Sexy and Fun, as well as Useful.

ABOUT ME:

• ·      I have bylines in various major print publications, including – but not limited to – The Top Tog and The MUNGAzette (see CV for further details). Men have consumed these.
• ·      I have an intuitive understanding of the men’s market and the way it is changing, since I have both a brother and a boyfriend and am myself fond of tits and beer. I have a particular regard for FHM’s positioning.
• ·      I am plugged into pop culture and aware of changing trends before they even happen. I also can has cheezburger.
• ·      I am enthusiastic and can bring energy to the team!!!!!
• ·      I am capable of working on my own to complete tasks to a high standard by ignoring the inevitable appeal of internet porn. I am also a strong team player: at every stage of my illustrious career path I have successfully collaborated with both those I respect, and those I hold in contempt, including those who are conspicuously younger than me.
• ·      I have presence, charm, good looks, a deep voice for a girl, and, consequently, strong leadership skills. I also own several Moleskine diaries and enjoy colour-coding. I have formatted several versions of my CV in Excel, Word, and Photoshop. I am happy to forward all three using Outlook.
• ·      I have strong interpersonal skills, due in part to my participation in netball at university. My telephone manner is excellent and when I attend meetings I always leave a strong impression on people, for better or worse.
• ·      I do not have a huge amount of experience but I am a bloody brilliant writer. In the current job market [insert other buzz words], it is difficult to get experience without having experience but really you should give me a chance before someone else does – I am incredibly employable.
• ·      In the age of dying print culture, I understand the importance using of social media and other online platforms to reach out to large audiences. I am an avid follower of Sir Alan Sugar’s Twitter feed and am comfortable using the phrase “hashtag” in everyday conversation. I have been using Blogger since 2000 and currently collaborate on a satirical blog about the post-university abyss. This can be found at http://gradgrindinternational.blogspot.com. I also have two Facebook accounts, a combined total of 812 friends, and have been tagged in over 2000 photos. I can provide evidence of this. In the future I am keen to engage with both Google+ and Grindr.
• ·      I am knowledgeable about the changing tastes of young men, from sweet to sour, and the way they consume their media, either with cutlery or without. I also have bright ideas about how to Kinect with this audience, bringing media to life in extraordinary new ways without using a controller.
• ·      I purchased five copies of FHM this week as research for my application. In this way, I have already helped to increase sales.
• ·      I have never had an STI.

I have attached my CV, alongside 43 ideas for content for the new-look FHM, and 751 words of Final Countdown copy on a subject of my choosing. This cover letter is a relevant example of my work – it has not been published elsewhere. I highly recommend that you think seriously about my application and consider giving me an interview because I can do this job.

Yours sincerely,

ebarobertson

Jobs roundup: still time to apply!

'Excellent opportunity for a committed and able candidate to join and progress with a tight-knit team based in St Albans, publishing Europe-leading trade magazines for the industrial fastener sector.'

'Bright, perky, sparky intern needed for an up-and-coming internet venture. You'll be working for five years in our dynamic Systems and Delivery department, based in Slough, and will ideally hold a PhD or better. Unfortunately, the position is unpaid and we will require a weekly fee of £200 (cheques should be made payable to GradGrind International).'

Arts & Culture

'You may recall that I sent you a CD that you said you wanted to review several weeks ago. I'm afraid to say that if you haven't found anywhere to review it I am going to have to ask you for the money for it'.

WANTED: Someone to do my menial tasks, lunch expenses only, experience needed

Holly M

Every morning, a friend of mine who recently graduated drags his sorry self out of his warm bed at 6.45 in the morning and gets ready for work. He catches his bus and arrives at the train station some forty minutes later, at which point he boards a train to London. After an hour and twenty minutes he arrives at Liverpool Street, squeezes himself into a sweaty tube train and finally, mercifully, gets to work. After seven hours of sticking stamps onto envelopes he does the whole thing again, in reverse, and then pretty much goes straight back to bed.  

The things people will do for money, eh? Except he isn’t doing this for money. Unless you count reimbursement for a mid-afternoon, mangled Tesco sandwich as “money”, but I’m fairly certain that most of you wouldn’t. No, forget money, all of his efforts are being made in return for something much more valuable (allegedly) to us graduates, The Dreaded and Horrifying ‘E’ Word – experience.

For all of you bastards who already have jobs, and don’t understand why the word ‘experience’ sends a shudder down the spines of the youthful, I would like to share this recent job advertisement with you:

FISH & CHIP SHOP ASSISTANT 

Wage

Meets Nat Min Wage

Description

Previous experience needed.

Now, call me a snob, but I’m pretty sure that anyone who has ever made their own meal is capable of being a Fish & Chip Shop Assistant. (But what would I know? I don’t have any experience in that field.) Nevertheless, in the current climate employers aren’t willing to gamble on a person’s capabilities and potential, and therefore they are left with no choice but to go for those with a proven track record. As a result, ‘young people’ struggle to find a job that they can even apply for, endlessly falling over that first intimidating hurdle of ‘experience’. The only way to get the experience needed in order for one to acquire a Proper Job is to do an internship, and herein lies The Curse of the Jobseeker.

I have only heard of ONE paid internship in my months of searching, and it was one that I did for a well-known global drinks company a few months ago. It had been advertised as a competition prize, rather than a paid internship, and it was extremely generous of them to pay me when I hadn’t expected it. I was very lucky, because this money (and the fact that I live with my parents) has kept me going for the past six months. Unfortunately, though, most companies (and MPs) do NOT pay their interns, and are essentially using young, desperate people as slave labour by advertising ‘rolling internships’. My aforementioned friend whose life is one long commute is working as a Fundraising Intern and was promised months of insight into how charities operate, but instead spends his days doing mail merges. I expect there are thousands of interns across the country all doing the same thing, because they have no other choice.

Me? I can’t afford to do an unpaid internship. There are very few career opportunities in my local area, and there is no way that I can afford to move to London from the north to work as an unpaid intern. My parents can’t support me in this way either, and so it’s a paid job or nothing for me and many others, the result commonly being nothing. This curious phenomenon means that only those who live in London, or who have parents wealthy enough to pay for their rent in London, are able to gain the experience necessary to kick-start their careers, and so begins a cycle of a sort of class self-perpetuation.

Unpaid internships are one of the biggest issues leading to youth unemployment in Britain at the moment, worsened by the fact that many interns aren’t offered a job at the end of their term but are simply cleared away to make room for more unpaid labour. As to whether this is illegal or not, I cannot comment other than to share the fact that when I was browsing the ITV work experience site a few days ago, I was stunned to discover that they do not take on people over the age of 18 and not in education because “due to legislation around minimum wage guidelines you are not eligible to participate in unpaid work experience.” Hmmm.   

Headhunted

'Hello, I'm calling from Teach First regarding your application to teach English. I'm afraid too many people have applied to teach English, but maybe you could apply to teach Maths or possibly even Biology instead?'

Looking for work

Gifted slapstick artist operating in the Surrey Heath area. Has performed at kids' parties, Tory parties, and hen nights.