Dear FHM,
You were looking for a top wordsmith to join your ranks as
Staff Writer – that hunt is over. Though I am officially qualified to do little
else, it is routine for me to turn around copy that is on-brand, tone-perfect
and brilliantly inventive. As an adrenaline junkie, I am clinically dependant
upon very tight deadlines and I chemically thrive upon the pressure to come up
with ideas regularly. My other addictions include a habitual use of grammar and
a recreational use of Spell Check. As a result, I can guarantee that I am
capable of producing a huge amount of readable material to deadline, leaving
myself enough time to sleep, eat and wash. I also have a strong visual
imagination and enjoy making lists. I will not do my research on Google. I will
be getting out there, speaking to people, reporting from the front line, and
doing proper journalism. I am also prepared to get in there, speak to animals,
report from the rear, and do improper journalism (without falling foul of the
Leveson Inquiry).
I am aware that the position that I am applying for is not a
9-5 job, that the hours will change week by week, that I will often be expected
to work late evenings and weekends, and travel, often internationally. My body
is primed for this schedule, as I have been waitressing since graduating, often
from 7am until 1am the next day. My soul is also equipped since it can hardly
be debased further. My CV demonstrates that I am comfortable making these
physical and spiritual sacrifices for very little money. If necessary, I can be
persuaded to travel internationally; under duress, I may even be convinced to
voyage somewhere glamorous or exotic. I am currently in possession of several
overnight bags, of various sizes, and I have also recently had a Hep B booster
jab.
I will now cite evidence that I am a bona fide pop culture
addict so that you will be more likely to employ me. Ahead of the herd, I have
been dying my hair Lizzy-Grant-blonde since December 2001 (music). In January
this year, Ashley Cole got into a taxi that I got out of (sport). I spent most
of the Summer watching BBC3 because I could not afford to go on holiday (TV and
film, and also economy). I have completed Tomb Raider Chronicles in seven days,
without a walkthrough (gaming). In August 2011, I purchased my first
genuine-first-quality-fake Shamballa bracelet two days before the remaining
stock were airlifted to Gok Wan (fashion). In addition to these credentials, I
believe that I embody the FHM brand values for I am myself Sexy and Fun, as
well as Useful.
ABOUT ME:
- · I have bylines in various major print publications, including – but not limited to – The Top Tog and The MUNGAzette (see CV for further details). Men have consumed these.
- · I have an intuitive understanding of the men’s market and the way it is changing, since I have both a brother and a boyfriend and am myself fond of tits and beer. I have a particular regard for FHM’s positioning.
- · I am plugged into pop culture and aware of changing trends before they even happen. I also can has cheezburger.
- · I am enthusiastic and can bring energy to the team!!!!!
- · I am capable of working on my own to complete tasks to a high standard by ignoring the inevitable appeal of internet porn. I am also a strong team player: at every stage of my illustrious career path I have successfully collaborated with both those I respect, and those I hold in contempt, including those who are conspicuously younger than me.
- · I have presence, charm, good looks, a deep voice for a girl, and, consequently, strong leadership skills. I also own several Moleskine diaries and enjoy colour-coding. I have formatted several versions of my CV in Excel, Word, and Photoshop. I am happy to forward all three using Outlook.
- · I have strong interpersonal skills, due in part to my participation in netball at university. My telephone manner is excellent and when I attend meetings I always leave a strong impression on people, for better or worse.
- · I do not have a huge amount of experience but I am a bloody brilliant writer. In the current job market [insert other buzz words], it is difficult to get experience without having experience but really you should give me a chance before someone else does – I am incredibly employable.
- · In the age of dying print culture, I understand the importance using of social media and other online platforms to reach out to large audiences. I am an avid follower of Sir Alan Sugar’s Twitter feed and am comfortable using the phrase “hashtag” in everyday conversation. I have been using Blogger since 2000 and currently collaborate on a satirical blog about the post-university abyss. This can be found at http://gradgrindinternational.blogspot.com. I also have two Facebook accounts, a combined total of 812 friends, and have been tagged in over 2000 photos. I can provide evidence of this. In the future I am keen to engage with both Google+ and Grindr.
- · I am knowledgeable about the changing tastes of young men, from sweet to sour, and the way they consume their media, either with cutlery or without. I also have bright ideas about how to Kinect with this audience, bringing media to life in extraordinary new ways without using a controller.
- · I purchased five copies of FHM this week as research for my application. In this way, I have already helped to increase sales.
- · I have never had an STI.
I have attached my CV, alongside 43 ideas for content for
the new-look FHM, and 751 words of Final Countdown copy on a subject of my
choosing. This cover letter is a relevant example of my work – it has not been
published elsewhere. I highly recommend that you think seriously about my
application and consider giving me an interview because I can do this job.
Yours sincerely,
ebarobertson
